On August 22, 2001, Angel Hope Erickson was born still. Earlier in that year my wife (at the time) and I had been given the news that she was pregnant. About the same time I landed my first full-time community college teaching job in Parsons, Kansas. We moved, excited to start our new family. At a routine mid-term check up, it was discovered that there were severe problems with the baby, problems that could not be fixed. One doctor, and then a second, said the baby would never make it to full term alive. We accepted their findings and my wife went through with their recommended procedure of induced labor. After nearly 24 hours, Angel was stillborn. We were able to hold her lifeless, yet precious little one-pound body for a few moments. The nurses took a few pictures and then they took Angel Hope away.
A couple of days later there was a funeral. I missed my first week of work at my new job and my new employers showed tremendous support, both financially and emotionally. We saw little Angel once more just before the funeral. Angel Hope was born and buried in Joplin, Missouri, a town that has since seen its share of heartache. I make a point to return to Joplin every year.
So why am I posting this? It comes back to writing and writing as therapy. How do you deal with an unexpected event like the premature loss of your firstborn child? I dealt with the loss through song. I’ve written at least 20 songs that are either directly about Angel Hope or make reference to her. Here are some bits and pieces, verses and choruses from some of those songs. The lesson: writing can help with healing.
From the song “Baby” 2001
There’s a better place waiting for you, baby
There’s a better place waiting for you, baby
Where the storms of life won’t ever tear you apart
And this cold, cruel world will never break your precious heart
So go to sleep little baby
Rest in peace, my love
From “Hard, (Lament # 29) 2001
Sometimes life is hard, hard, hard
Things go wrong and it’s hard, hard, hard, hard, hard
Sometimes life is hard
From “Safety at the Crossing” 2001
Well, we all feel grief and sorrow
Over precious ones we’ve lost
But a mother’s love is stronger
For the child that Jesus calls
Though her life on Earth was bretahless
It will all be worth the cost
Cause you’ll meet again in heaven
By the mercy of God’s love
From “Some Fine Day” 2001
Some fine day I’ll be with you
I’ll be with you my love
Some fine day I’ll be with you
Yes, I’ll be there some fine day
From “Angel of Hope” 2003
Red-purple skin, pure, soft, like cotton
Grey-eyes closed to all this worldly pain
Now you’re dancing with the little dog in heaven
And falling all around me with the rain
From “Childless Lovers” 2003
Childless mothers
Don’t seem to have much to live for
Their dreams have been shattered
Their hearts have been torn
Childless fathers
Don’t seem to have much to live for
Their worlds seem empty
And they feel so sad and alone
From “Hey, God (Why’d You Break My Heart) 2003
Hey, God, look at me
I’m in a state of misery
You gave us life then stole the seed
And that just don’t seem fair
At night I look up to Your sky
Shake my fist and ask You why
But lately I get no reply
And I wonder if you’re there
Hey, God, hey, God
From “Santa Fe” 2003
Tuck all our memories in a purple box
Load it up in a turquoise truck
An angel dangles from the rearview mirror
She looks ahead to where the skies are clearer
From “Cold August Day” 2004
You’re not here and breathing
And I’m still walking in the shadows
I hear your heartbeat pounding deep in mine
Trapped beneath these Midwest skies
Seeking, yet not finding heaven
Strumming my guitar to pass the time
From “Joplin, MO” 2004
The hospital sits on the side of the hill
The old cemetery is higher up still
Where my love is carved in stone
In a quiet back corner under a tree
Decorated in flowers and going on three
In my mind I’m watching her grow
On the other side of Joplin, Missouri
She laughs and she runs and she sings
La de da de da
On the other side of Joplin, Missouri
My love flies away on golden wings
From “Lifeboat” 2004
I listened to your heartbeat
I kissed your bare feet
I stroked your soft, silky skin
A vision of sweetness
Sleeping in your green dress
Won’t you come back to me again?
There’s just no getting over you
There’s just no getting over you
Now, I’m a lost soul
I need a lifeboat
From “Looking for a Girl” 2004
Wandering these streets
I watch the children play
Got blisters on my feet
Cause I’ve been walking all day
I hear the wind whispering her name
From “Beautiful Pain” 2005
It’s a beautiful kind of pain
When I think about you
Like a butterfly dancing in a flame
I can see you, but I can’t touch you
Still I can hold you in my dreams
My beautiful pain
From “Eyes Wide Open” 2005
I still remember the day
It was raining in August as we went our separate ways, love
Since I left you up on that hill
I keep on searching and I guess that I always will, love
And if I should die tonight
Then I’ll die with my eyes wide open
So I won’t miss you should I pass your way
And I’ll find tender words unspoken
So I’ll win your heart should I pass your way… again
From “Midwestern Girl” 2005
She’s my Midwestern girl
And I’m so far away
How I long to be near her
But I just can’t leave here today
These old responsibilities
Weigh me down like a stone
So my Midwestern girl
Spends another night alone
From “Newton County” 2005
It’s two hours from Tulsa
Up two lanes of 44
Back to Newton County
Let it rain a little more
It’s two miles to Missouri
I’m trembling to the core
I can feel your presence
Let it rain, let it pour
From “the Hurtin’ Side” 2005
There’s a brand new photograph
Hanging on the wall
Of two, happy, smiling people
A sleeping baby in their arms
And everything looks so perfect
From within that picture frame
But if you close your eyes
And look a little closer
You’ll see the wings of an angel
With tears running down her face
For the empty space where she’s supposed to be
You’ll see the shape of a halo
And the years of heartache
You’ll see the hurtin’ side of a happy family
From “Two Sisters” 2005
Two sisters
Fill our hearts with twice the love
Two sisters
One is flying up above
From “Artificial Flowers” 2006
I miss the thunder
I miss the sound
That reminds me of my love
My love underground
My love underground
And time keeps on ticking
As the colors start to fade away
Artificial flowers
Last a thousand years
Artificial flowers
Bring on real tears
From “The Prairie” 2006
Some folks love the mountains
Some folks love the sea
My love is somewhere on the prairie
Look in all directions
My heart was born to see
The wings of an angel on the prairie
I wish I were a train
Driving into Tulsa tonight
From “Funeral for an Angel” 2007
At a funeral for an angel
It’s the saddest day they’ve ever known
A funeral for an angel
She spread her wings and now she’s gone
From “Landmark” 2007
And every single word
Is carved into my heart
It’s really all I’ve got
As a landmark
And when I’m lost and lonely
Stumbling through the dark
She’s my landmark
From “Silhouette” 2011
The hurt goes on forever when a child dies
It’s been ten years and I’m still in the rain
When I look to you my friends, my heart cries
I know there’s nothing I can do to ease your pain
But this is still our town
And we’re never gonna let it go
We’re gonna hold on to the life
I’m just a silhouette of the man I used to be
I lost everything, but I still believe
I’ve learned to forgive, but I won’t forget
I’m just a silhouette, even through the darkest of nights
I’m just a silhuotte
I am bathed in light